Talking to Adults

Here's a skill nobody teaches on purpose and almost everybody needs: being able to talk to an adult who has some authority over you, about something that matters, without either shrinking or getting defensive.

Your young athlete gets more practice at it than most kids, for structural reasons. Which means this is one of the things the sport can hand him — but only if the adults around him deliberately stop doing it for him.

Where the practice comes from

He has to talk to referees. Asking about a count, a call, a restart. Brief, respectful, in the middle of a game, to somebody with complete authority. Most children never do anything like this.

He has to talk to his own coach about a technical problem that the coach frequently doesn't understand, because most youth coaches played field. That's an unusually adult conversation for a twelve-year-old.

He directs adults' children. Ten players, older and bigger, some of whom don't want to be told — which is the skill in its rawest form.

And he's the one the opposing coach talks to when something needs saying at a break.

None of that is designed as a life-skills curriculum. It just happens to be one.

The handover, which is the actual work

Every one of those conversations has a parent-shaped shortcut available, and taking it costs him the rep.

The transfer should be deliberate and it should feel slightly too early:

Third and fourth grade. You do all of it. He watches.

Fifth and sixth grade. He asks the coach his own equipment and logistics questions. You're standing there; he does the talking.

Seventh and eighth grade. He asks for what he needs — extra reps, a warm-up, clarification on his role. He'll do it badly the first few times. That's the rep. This is also the age to hand him his own emails.

Ninth and tenth grade. He handles the coach relationship himself, including the uncomfortable parts. You handle logistics and money.

Eleventh and twelfth grade. He's emailing college coaches, arranging visits, and having conversations about his own future with strangers. If the handover has happened, this is unremarkable. If it hasn't, it's a crisis.

What to teach him, specifically

Open with the question, not the complaint. What would you want me working on? gets a conversation. I don't think it's fair that… gets a wall. Same as the version you'd use yourself.

Be brief. Adults answer short questions and defer long ones.

Ask at a good moment. Not mid-drill, not right after a game. After practice, walking off, is nearly always the best window.

Say thank you and leave. Kids over-explain and then stay. Teaching him to finish a conversation is half of it.

And take the answer. Including when it isn't the one he wanted. That's the part that makes an adult take him seriously the next time.

Suggestions on what you can do

Let the silence happen. When a coach asks him something and he pauses, don't fill it. This is the single most common way parents accidentally prevent the skill.

Rehearse once in the car. What are you going to say? Then let him say it his own way.

Let him get it wrong. A clumsy first attempt with a coach is worth more than a polished one you delivered.

Debrief afterward, briefly. How did that go? Then leave it.

And step in only for the genuine ones. Safety, something harmful, a situation genuinely beyond a fourteen-year-old. Those are yours. Most things aren't.

A few things worth avoiding

Try not to answer for him. It's reflexive and it's the whole problem — a coach who asks a question and hears the parent's voice learns to stop asking.

Go easy on scripting him. A memorised line delivered by a nervous kid lands worse than his own awkward version.

Try not to rescue a conversation that's going badly. Sitting through an uncomfortable exchange is the rep.

And don't wait until high school to start. A ninth grader who has never spoken to an adult about his own interests is starting from zero at exactly the wrong moment.

The version worth remembering

Your kid plays a position that requires him to speak up to referees, coaches and older teammates, in public, under pressure, several times a season.

That's an accidental education in one of the more useful adult skills there is — and the only thing that can prevent it is a well-meaning parent who keeps doing the talking.

Hand it over earlier than feels comfortable. He'll be fine, and he'll be ready when it's a college coach on the phone.

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The program gives a goalie his own targets and his own review process, which gives him something of his own to talk to adults about. Three real days of a fifth-grade week are open on the site, no signup. Take a look at the free week.

Coach Greg — LAX Goalie Hub