Playing Time: How to Ask, and Who to Ask

Playing time is the conversation every youth sports parent dreads and most of them eventually have.

For a goalie it's sharper than for anybody else, because there's no partial answer. A field player who isn't a starter still gets shifts. A goalie either plays or stands in full gear for two hours.

So it's a fair conversation to have. It just has to be the right conversation, with the right person, at the right time — and most families get at least one of those three wrong.

The short version

Ask about development, never about minutes. What would you want to see from him to be in the conversation? gets you a real answer. Why isn't he playing? gets you a defensive coach and a label.

Ask in the preseason or well after a game — never on a Saturday, never in the twenty-four hours after one.

And the older he is, the more it's his conversation. By eighth grade he should be asking. By high school you shouldn't be in the room.

Why this one is different for a goalie

The playing time is binary. There's no such thing as a shift, so "more minutes" means "instead of the other kid," and everybody in the conversation knows it.

Development genuinely depends on it. A goalie cannot develop off the field — every skill this position needs is built by facing live shots in real situations. A season on the bench is a lost year in a way it isn't for a middie still getting practice reps.

And there are only two or three of them. Which means the conversation is inherently comparative, and that's exactly the thing to keep out of your mouth.

The conversation that works

Open with development. I want to make sure he's actually getting better this season. What's the one thing he should be working on?

Then the honest question. Where does he sit right now, and what would change that?

Then listen, and don't argue. Whatever the answer is, it's information. A coach who tells you your kid is third and needs to get louder has just handed you a plan. A coach who can't answer has told you something too.

Then thank him and leave. The whole thing takes six minutes. Longer conversations get worse, not better.

And follow up in writing if it was useful. Short, specific, grateful — the shape of a good email is its own article.

The conversation that backfires

Any version that begins with fairness. "It doesn't seem fair that…" ends the useful part immediately.

Any comparison to the other goalie. Even a gentle one. It follows you, and it follows your kid.

Any mention of what you've paid. The fee buys a roster spot, coaching and a schedule. It doesn't buy minutes, and saying so out loud costs standing you'll want later.

Any conversation on a Saturday. Adrenaline, an audience, and a coach who's just managed eighteen kids for two hours.

And any version where other parents are involved. A group approach turns a solvable problem into a faction.

Suggestions on what you can do

Talk to your goalie first. Frequently he has a clearer read than you do, and occasionally he's fine with the situation and you're the one who isn't.

Ask for the standard, then work on it. If the answer is "he needs to be louder and clear better," that's eight weeks of specific work, and coming back having done it is the most persuasive thing available.

Be patient with the timeline. Minutes rarely change inside a season. They change at the start of the next one.

Keep going to the games the same way. Attendance and warmth that drop when he isn't playing tell him what you were there for.

And know when it's structural. Two seasons, no feedback, no minutes even in blowouts — that's a program telling you something, and it's a different decision. The switching checklist is here, and the backup season has its own article.

By age: third and fourth grade, rotation should be automatic and if it isn't, that's a club conversation rather than a coach one. Fifth and sixth, ask about development only — minutes at this age shouldn't be competitive. Seventh and eighth, it becomes real, and this is when he should start asking alongside you. Ninth and tenth, he asks and you stay out of it. Eleventh and twelfth, entirely his, including the decision to accept the answer or move.

A few things worth avoiding

Try not to ask right after a game he played badly in. The timing makes it look like a rescue.

Go easy on the multi-email campaign. Once a season is a conversation; monthly is a reputation.

Try not to let him hear you complain about it at home. He'll repeat it, and he'll also start believing that his minutes are somebody else's fault rather than something he can influence.

And don't ask the club director before the coach. Going over somebody's head as a first move ends the relationship you actually need.

The version worth remembering

The question that works is about getting better. The question that fails is about fairness.

Ask once, in the preseason, about what the standard is. Work on the answer for eight weeks. Then let your young athlete ask the follow-up himself, because by the time he's thirteen that conversation belongs to him — and a coach who hears it from the kid rather than the parent listens completely differently.

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Whatever the minutes situation, the daily program keeps his development moving — which is the part that eventually changes the minutes. Three real days of a fifth-grade week are open on the site, no signup. Take a look at the free week.

Coach Greg — LAX Goalie Hub